THE MANY SHADOWS OF LOVE

“You don’t measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything” ~ Jeff Brown, An Uncommon Bond

I grew up in a small rural town in Florida with a population of 1800. People had lived there all of their lives with the exception of a few retired residents such as my parents. Everyone knew everyone, your business, who you were with, what you were doing and the rumors flew faster than tornado-scattered debris!

Imagine growing up in a family where one sibling (underage) went out drinking and slept with the band teacher who was a good family friend! Another sibling was experimenting with sexuality but with the same sex. Two siblings were experimenting with sex together. My mother was an alcoholic and dad was dying of cancer.

I grew up in a town where no one could associate with me because of my family. Um, it really felt oppressive and intolerable. Every single “atrocious” act was a secret that had to be kept from the town, but did we really keep it a secret? There’s an oft-heard maxim “You are only as sick as the secrets you keep”.

Thank GOD for teachers and role models who really made a difference in my life.

Unfortunately, I still put up a good front for years and made myself look good even though I really did not like who I had become. Alcohol became my drug of choice in college. My saving Grace was I became intolerant to it for several years so I never became an alcoholic. After falling in love with a married man and having an affair for many years, I realized that I was carrying the torch of “secrets of the past” while also harboring “secrets of the present” all in the name of love that needed to be addressed if I were to ever live a healthy, happy, authentic life. I understood why people turned to temporary bandaid fixes such as alcohol and drugs to numb the feelings as many addicts arrested growth at an early age. I went into a recovery program for children of alcoholics, which started a Spiritual Journey that has led me on one of the most empowering adventures I have ever had!!

I have since been blessed to become a lightworker to support others on their journey through the dark places, confusion and fear as they stumble their way on their soul-scripture path. There is no judgment as my clients, friends and strangers talk to me about “their secrets”, their arduous, complex spiritual journey accompanied by many “dark nights of the soul”. Make no mistake, this is not for the faint of heart but the incredible freedom and joy during the transformative process is well worth it!

I am blessed to be able to “hold the space” for someone giving them my full attention with an open heart and NO Judgment allowing them to have whatever experience they are having! Holding space is trusting that by allowing a person to express their emotions freely, their deeper healing is already at work. I have heard it all so I ask you, “What deep, dark secret from the past are you keeping out fear of not being loved or accepted for who you are?” I have had friends, clients and strangers share those secrets with me as they start their healing journey. These include but are not limited to Porn, STDs (women especially have lived depressed, limited lives over the stigma of herpes), Slept with the two women or men, experimented with the same sex, incest as a child, biracial, swing couples and more. Although it is doable and FREEING, It is no easy task to hold space with a partner, as we fear the partner will leave us or judge us or try to fix us.

Just recently, some 30 years later I went through a rough patch in which I lost an identical twin, friends and a soul mate. I was also changing jobs and bartending for extra cash while working on my real purpose in life. I found myself surrounded by negativity and getting caught up in “numbing” the pain through temporary bandaid fixes. I knew I could not let myself go down the “dark night of the soul” stumbling on a path which threatened to tear apart my own love, transformation, and truth…my consciousness. I prayed that a job would open up in massage and essential oils. This prayer and journey led me to a rural small town in which I now live a passionate, healthy life on purpose healing clients.

I’ve spent most of my life basing my worth on my education, work and what I accomplish and how much physical activity I can do.  But this is no authentic life and it is based on a life devoid of true happiness and joy.

So not only am I holding space for people in my life, I’m also trying to hold space for myself, so that I can continue to heal my body and keep my heart/soul open. I give myself permission to just BE.  And the more space I can create for myself to simply BE MYSELF, without the old inner criticisms, the more my heart is open and I’m able to feel and sustain love in all of my relationships.

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