Soul Forgiveness: Mastering Your Fears of the Past

“Woundmates are not to be confused with soulmates, which can also trigger shadowy material to the surface of consciousness, but are sourced in a more promising and fertile wellspring, one that fosters real growth and progress. Soulmates are drawn to one another by a call to essence. At the heart of their connection is the opportunity to grow in karmic stature, while woundmates often just flounder in the mud, trigger after trigger, downward spiral after downward spiral, attached at the waste.” ~Jeff Brown, An Uncommon Bond

It is the July 4th as I received a call from a close friend of mine who needed to talk.  I have known him for more than 15 years.  We are able to talk about anything and have been known to sit up half the night with a glass of wine solving relationship problems of the world!  He has three beautiful grown daughters and now has beautiful grandchildren.  He has been married twice and has had a number of relationships that have not worked out for him.

He started off with “I have done it again.”  He explained he met an amazing woman and they connected intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and physically.  For the first time he was with a happy, confident, authentic and loving woman.  She was his equal, his soul mate.  He knows that she is the partner who would create an incredible life with him.

He then said “the intensity of emotions drove me crazy even though I was a part of it.  It felt like my personal hell and I could not bear to see her hurt.  She wanted to calm the emotional roller coaster but we both had difficulty getting off”.

Sometimes the fear that the extraordinary relationship will create so much power that men don’t know how to handle it.  What if it is too far outside of the comfort zone?  What if it fails and causes a level of pain never felt before?  It also brings about fear of not deserving something this good or not having earned it because of our past mistakes.  What if someone else swept her away?

“She saw my soul and touched my heart like no other.  It was easier not to go there.  I am now with a woman whose business just failed and she has two kids.  I guess I am just comfortable with rescuing that type of woman.”

“Ah, it is returning to the comfort of the old shoe.  We have all done this many times.  However, as we continue our journey the old shoe will no longer fit and this will create relationship problems for us,” I replied.  He agreed.

If we can Be with each other and expect nothing but to be together, then we can enjoy our time together.  Just enjoy the friendship without expectations.  We can continue to grow and expand and share our wisdom with one another. If it is not meant to be then we just have to let it be.  Stand in the light of just being and trust that God will heal it or bring someone else in.

It is wonderful to be given the gift of feeling loved and letting you know that do DESERVE that kind of love.  He agreed and told me that he knew the woman he was with now was not the right one.  He was also feeling the pain of having let the best one slip away.  I asked him if he knew for sure that she was gone forever.

“No, I don’t.  I have not made any attempt to contact her.”  I laughed.  We should never assume anything.  Too often we judge, assume and take things personal.  Make the contact, communicate and see what happens.  Follow your heart.  Try the new shoe, get a few blisters and you will find you really like the love those shoes!!

Feel free to leave a comment below as I would love to hear from you!

 

Fear, Trust, And Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

Being vulnerable and keeping our hearts open in a relationship is one of our greatest strengths. However, eating dinner in a pub the other night, I became very aware of people who were cynical, suspicious, and unable to follow their hearts. They had lost their trust and possibly their faith. Fear of rejection and abandonment haunt many people to some degree.

Many people have huge walls around their hearts and are jaded about relationships because their trust has been betrayed. I call this “Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome” as people have closed their hearts due to living in fear of being hurt again.

Trust is a fragile thing because there is always a chance of being hurt again. We have all been hurt by someone we deeply cared about and trusted. So how do we keep our hearts open, let go of fear, and create an awesome opportunity to experience deep trust? By allowing yourself to be vulnerable and not bringing in the baggage from the past. I like to think we come into our relationships with an overnight bag instead 6!

Although there are no guarantees, trust is a gift of the heart that takes down the barriers, deepens relationships, and leads to love in all relationships. The journey to love is a journey to your soul. It tells us about our core relationship to ourselves. It also provides us with the opportunity to deeply connect, to see and love another’s soul.

Here are some ways to build trust in a relationship.

1. Be authentic

Be as transparent as possible. Suspicions emerge in relationships when people act differently that is outside their character. Some people deeply connect and then push love away. Being authentic and transparent leaves less room for assumptions that can easily create unnecessary drama.

2. Communicate clearly and often

Keep the communication open and let your partner know that you need space. Although we are in the age of texting and emailing, nothing beats talking especially face to face.  A phone call is better than email and text, but face to face is always best!! Always ask and never assume if you are questioning anything in the relationship. It is far better to be direct and open, then to make an assumption that could potentially destroy trust.  And remember, don’t take anything personal!

3. Spend time with the person to learn about him or her

Spend quality time and energy getting to know someone. The more information you have the better you can assess situations that come up like are they just having an off day due to a loss or stressful situation. While trust is a leap of faith, it is also about getting to know the other person.  More importantly, it is about accepting that person for who they are (the good, bad, and ugly).

4. Take Responsibility and Make a Sincere Apology

Take responsibility for your actions and make a sincere apology if you have made a mistake or disappointed your partner. A trustworthy person is responsible for their behavior. Sincere apologies build trust. If your partner apologizes to you, practice forgiveness and letting go of past hurts.  You are only 100% responsible for your 50% of the relationship.  Forgive yourself as well. 🙂

5. Be honest and never lie

Honesty is the best policy and does build trust. Even the smallest white lie can erode trust. A relationship grows in a healthy way when both partners are honest with each other.  Silence is a form of dishonesty.  Secrets erode trust.

6. Walk Your Talk

Your actions and words must be in alignment.  Saying one thing and doing another is very is not only misleading, it is inconsistent.  This too will erode trust.  Now, sometimes this is done innocently because of denying our true feelings.  This will lead to feelings of frustration and fear.  Monitor your feelings and the thoughts behind them.  Be gentle on yourself and change your thoughts 🙂

The good news is that trust can be built.  As Michael McDonald sings, “You’re gonna have to trust someone…..because it ain’t no life living all alone.  Love gives us a second chance to find all that we lost”.  Keep the faith and yes, Post Traumatic Relationship syndrome can be healed! 🙂

What Makes A Great Relationship: Review of “Reboot Your Relationship”

This is a review of the book, Reboot Your Relationship, written by Joe Whitcomb and Savanna Ellis. Joe Whitcomb brings more than 20 years of relevant experience to his work as a relationship coach and therapist. Savannah Ellis has coached thousands of couples and individuals from Sydney, Australia to Las Vegas, USA to help them achieve their relationship and personal goals. Her passion is to help people be authentic to themselves and others.

According to Joe Whitcomb and Savanna Ellis, “there are thousands of studies and reports on the elements of great relationships and marriages.

Here are some of the common characteristics of a great relationship as stated in their book, “Reboot Your Relationship” (http://www.amazon.com/Reboot-Your-Relationship-Connection-Discconnected/dp/1490942823)

  • Separate emotionally from the family you grew up in:

Your identity is separate from that of your parents and siblings.

  • Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy:

A couple should almost be as one, a single unit, but at the same time one is not a clone of the other.

  • Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations:

That connection you have with one another is part emotional and part physical; one failing will affect the other and thence the couple as a whole. Keep it safe in its own special place.

  • For couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby’s entrance into the marriage:

Parenthood should not be considered an inconvenience intruding into your relationship, but rather a physical manifestation of the love the two of you share for one another.

  • Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple:

What goes on between you and your partner, for good and for bad, is really no on else’s business but your own. Others need to respect that boundary and keep their meddling noses out, including parents. Many a relationship has been ruined by the well-intentioned interference of in-laws and friends.

  • Confront and master the inevitable crises of life: As the saying goes (to paraphrase), stuff happens.

The trick is not to run from the problems that arise, but to confront and solve these problems… together.

  • Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity:

No matter what, that bond the two of you share should be the strongest thing in your Universe. Your home could be flooded, your kids near death, and your dog run over by a train, but you should still be there for one another even in the worst of it all. A house divided cannot stand, and neither can a couple divided.

  • The relationship should be a safe haven in which partners are able to express their differences, anger and conflict:

A good relationship is one in which both people feel they can express any grievances they have against one another, discuss and argue them through to resolution, and yet know that they will still be there for one another, still love each other after all is said and done.

  • Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom and isolation:

Humor is the cure for all ills. It’s a great means of bringing people together, of allowing you to see a problem for the very minor obstacle that it is, and for reminding people why they got together in the first place.

  • Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying each partner’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support: Would not your right hand tenderly nurse your left hand when it is cut? You are more than simply two separate people, but this needs to be constantly demonstrated, one to the Be there for your mate’s hurts and doubts, but also for their joys and dreams, as the other will in turn be here for yours.
  • Keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time:

How many times have you seen news reports of old couples married some sixty years and seen that they still have the look of doe-eyed teenagers in their eyes for one another?

The book highlights the four types of love, what makes men and women fall in love, the 7 elements of love, fixing it, coping strategies, bringing it all together and so much more!!

GET THE BOOK! IT IS AMAZING!! This is a must for anyone who wants deep, honest, authentic, and passionate relationships!

Please comment below. I would love to hear about your experiences. For more tips on living a stress free life, clean eating or relationships sign up for my FREE audio and ebook above.

Romantic Relationships that Prepare Us for True Love

Our “in the meantime relationships” before meeting our true love actually prepares us for that right relationship. In these relationships our stories are mirrored to us, as every person that stands before us is our mirror.

These relationships that are preparing us cause us to question everything, especially ourselves. We ask why, what could I have done differently and we continue to “beat ourselves up”. Instead, we could look inward and ask:

What have I learned about myself?

What is the lesson or gold nugget that I am taking away from this experience?

Every relationship gives us the opportunity to do our soul work. The purpose of this journey is not to find someone to complete us, but to discover ourselves. I know that with each of my relationships I have more understanding, depth, authenticity and honesty.   I am willing to look at my shadow parts with love and acceptance.

For me life is a journey where I am always growing, transforming, shedding my fears and weaknesses. I know that if I devote my heart to discovering what I am here to learn, I can be my own best friend and love myself.

It is that self-love that allows me to come to my relationships in a healthy place with so much more to give. It allows me to be with my best friend not attached or dependent on this person.

There are no fears and there is no jealousy, no doubt, no guilt, no judgment—just being.

With each relationship we have the opportunity to grow and learn. We are also invited to keep our heart open to love while practicing forgiveness and compassion. Remember forgiveness is for us to release our fears and judgments.

This allows us to experience greater love each time until we meet the person who also has an open heart in which we can deeply connect with acceptance, love, compassion and authenticity.

Please comment below. I would love to hear about your experiences. For more tips on living a stress free life, clean eating or relationships sign up for my FREE audio and ebook above.

Relationships and Our Story

Relationships are where two souls come together for a period of time and we get to witness for each other the good and the shadows.  Sometimes we are in each other’s lives forever, and sometimes for only a short period of time.

You are living the life that parents, media, peers and friends have taught you to live.  We drown out our own inner voice and guidance.  Before entering a relationship, hopefully we know the answers to the following questions:  What do you like, believe in and want in life? What do you value most?  What are your top 5 core values?

Once we know who we really are, we can build a life around our values.  We can establish rituals, structure and practices (habits) to remember who we are on a daily basis.

This is so important as relationships will reveal our shadows showing us the places inside that still need our love, acceptance and healing.  We can choose to “stuff” them or hide them but they will appear at the most inappropriate times.  Remember it is our stories that we want to get out of.

If you feel the need to explain, justify, and be right you are in your story.  You are giving power to your story especially when fears show up like the fear of rejection or abandonment.  When you are in the “fight or flight” syndrome, your energy will be sucked away to support the emotional drama.  Everything else in our lives including our health, work, friendships, and ordinary tasks like paying bills will suffer at the expense of supporting the emotional drama.

So, are you willing to release your story?  Are you willing to practice forgiveness?  It is a journey that is the key to moving beyond the past and transforming your life.  It is about letting go of anger and resentment.  It is about being willing to accept our humanness but at the same time taking responsibility for making amends if we have hurt someone.

Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us in “The Four Agreements” to not take anything personal.  Most people do not intentionally cause hurt, as it is their subconscious programming and their own story.  All we can control is our reaction to their behavior.   This book reminds us that we can change our story and fill it with happiness and greater authenticity.

What are your daily habits that sustain you?  They create your consciousness and your behaviors.  What you repeat you become so create good habits.

Here are some things you can do to remember who you are in a relationship and create a happier, more authentic life.

  •  Meditation
  •  Yoga
  • Connecting to nature
  • Follow the four agreements
  • Practice forgiveness
  • Eat well and hydrate (drink lots of water)
  • Get plenty of sleep
  • Cultivate healthy friendships

Relationships are complex with our expectations and incompatibilities.  We become what we repeat, so start by creating one good habit today.  Once you feel you have mastered it, add a new one.  It is easier than you think and you will have more happiness and peace!

Please comment below. I would love to hear about your experiences. For more tips on living a stress free life, clean eating or relationships sign up for my FREE audio and ebook above.

 

Don’t take it Personal if the Relationship Does Not Work Out

Once (or twice) in a lifetime you meet someone who takes your breath away. It is someone who you connect with emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It is one of those soul-to-soul connections that only two souls know. Although you try hard to “take it slow”, it is a fast and deep connection like none other that you have felt before. Everyone has baggage that comes with the relationships and it will come out. You can only take responsibility for your actions and reactions.

Honest, clear communication is the best path to take in these relationships. While you may think you clearly communicated something through the written word of emails, text or letters, it may very well be interpreted differently then you meant it. Nothing beats honest, heart to heart, face-to-face conversations. You give your heart and soul away and in the end come back to yourself heartbroken.

Just a note, please don’t have significant conversations with any alcohol as this will only escalate feelings and fears. That means not even a glass of wine! Don’t involve anyone else (yours or his friends) even if the person claims to just be trying to “help” you so you don’t get hurt.

I know I have been there. I have made my share of mistakes and got caught up in rumors. I have been caught up in other people’s stuff and have been triggered. While we all have said things or done things we are not proud of, this does not mean you are a terrible or evil person.

This is about trusting yourself and your partner. It is about trusting that all will work out for both you. It is about being impeccable to your word, not taking anything personal (easier said than done), not making assumptions, and doing your best. It is about being able to not react when those trigger points are pushed or at the very least, recovering quickly enough to heal another layer or shadow. It is about the willingness to look at our shadows and learn from them.

More importantly, when you make mistakes or let your fears get the best of you DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP!!!! You are only human. Don’t blame or judge anyone. Just own it, make amends if you need to and go heal yourself.

These are life experiences on our journey. This is the time of year to let go of the things we cannot change (other people, their reactions, etc). It is a time to reflect and move forward realigning your heart, soul, words and actions to be the best person you can be and move forward.

Jeff Brown is the author of “Soulshaping: A Journey of Self-Creation,” wrote an article about why some relationships just don’t work. It is very profound and has given me peace when my heart and soul had been shattered. As you read through this, realize that not every break up is personal even though it hurts.

Although it may feel like it is all you, most likely it is not!!

 

WHY SOME RELATIONSHIPS DON’T WORK OUT

Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them.

Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through.

Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another – they have more individuation work to do first.

Sometimes they take off because love is not a priority in their lives – they have another path and purpose to walk first.

Sometimes they end it because they prefer a relationship that is more practical than conscious, one that does not threaten the ways that they organize reality.

Because so many of us carry shame, we have a tendency to personalize love’s leavings, triggered by the rejection and feelings of abandonment.

But this is not always true. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes the one who leaves is just not ready to hold it safe.

Sometimes they know something we don’t – they know their limits at that moment in time.

Real love is no easy path – readiness is everything.

May we grieve loss without personalizing it.

May we learn to love ourselves in the absence of the lover.

by JEFF BROWN

art by Autumn Skye ART

Please comment below. I would love to hear about your experiences. For more tips on living a stress free life, clean eating or relationships sign up for my FREE audio and ebook above.

Don't show again

Do you want to Smile More and Stress Less?

  • Be healthier and happier
  • Have more time for you
  • Stop using temporary bandaid fixes
  • Feel confident and empowered
  • This Gift is Amazing!

Your Details

We will not share your details with anyone, we promise!

Powered by WishList Member - Membership Software
Skip to toolbar