Mastering My Fears: My Heart Takes Wing…..

“Two roads diverged in a wood and I- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”  ~Robert Frost

 

 

 

I have learned quite a lot about FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real) in the past month. My inner critic committee has surfaced in which I have made some decisions that I am not proud of….. However, I am so strong in my faith as it grows every day and I am fiercely committed to walking my talk, so I have been able to admit my weaknesses and step up to the plate! I am also committed to being fiercely honest with myself!! Thank God! Thank you to all of my friends who have helped me and believe in me!!! You are awesome!

Jana Stanfield’s song below starts with the lyrics “What would I do Today, If I knew that I could not fail…” what a beautiful message. If we could see that every experience, even the not so good ones, are not a failure but are there to evolve our soul then we would never react out of FEAR. It is the unknown that scares us and if we could just breathe into it and know that all is well, then we would not react.

I was recently in a Northern Wisconsin town trying to trust the mystery as new opportunities were opening up. How did I feel? Vulnerable. Yep, very vulnerable!

Why? I was taking a risk and putting my authentic self out there among those I do not know and others whom I have only known for a couple of months. As I talked to a new friend the other night whom I greatly appreciate and respect, I had to consciously refrain from putting a mask on. It can be down right scary to let people in to know the real me, to meet my soul at its core.

We fear being hurt because we’ve all been hurt many times in our lives by family, friends, lovers, and others.   We took a risk and opened our hearts because we wanted to love and be loved and it doesn’t always work out the way we want it to, right? So we learned to stuff the pain.   And guess what? It gets lodged in our body’s energy field creating blockages, which affects the emotions. Believe me, when I say anyone within our energy field can and will feel our emotions no matter what mask we are hiding behind!!  The more we experience heartaches, the more we stuff pain deep within, and the wackier our emotional state. Sound familiar???

For some of us, we are able to process heartaches, traumas and old wounds, whether through counseling, self-help techniques, spiritual beliefs, or support groups. Many people, however, construct a wall around their heart. I know I did. I did not realize I was doing this, but over time I became distrusting, doubtful which resulted in plenty of negative emotions like fear, hurt, anxiety, and more.

Worse, we try to take the edge off or numb the painful emotions by turning to temporary bandaid fixes such as drinking, anxiety pills or other drugs, working a bajillion hours, smoking, sex, overeating, chronic shopping, and gambling.   Yep, addiction is an epidemic in our society because we so hate feeling pain. We have become a society addicted to suffering.  Some of these addictions lead to death. I lost two sisters in the last 4 years (one being my identical twin), because they wanted so badly to numb the pain.

In the past year, I was struggling emotionally after losing my soulmate. How could I ever love again? How could I keep my heart open? It was hell on earth for a while internally and I wanted to drink to numb my pain. I now understood what my sisters had gone through as they drowned their sorrows in a bottle, but I had reached out and my soul was evolving….. I wanted to BE ME….my authentic self. This would not be easy as I would have to be open, honest and um, the most vulnerable I’d ever been. In fact, the only reason I didn’t drown in a bottle was because somehow I knew that if I used alcohol or food or sex to cope, I would never find true happiness or love. I would never discover my true purpose and my dreams would die. Dammit I deserved so much more! I wanted more than anything to get through the ‘dark night of the soul’ into the light and experience authentic happiness!

It is when we can make a commitment (a real commitment) to stop running, numbing, and self-medicating our pain that we can begin a journey toward healing, freedom, authenticity and feeling real love and happiness.

Most importantly, I knew deep in my soul that my purpose was to be a light for others much like the lighthouse illuminates the way to guide ships on their journey. It is not for me to choose or judge the path that others take. We are each on our own individual path, making our own music, choosing our own experiences. On my path, there have been several Lighthouses shining brightly, allowing me to see with clarity what my choices are and which direction is the better choice for me. As a Lightworker, mentor and teacher, I so resonate with the symbol of a lighthouse. Not because I have been “spared the rod”, but because I have walked or crawled through my fears and explored healing my issues despite my inner critic committee, my deep resistance and my Great wall!!! Um, did I mention it was hell on earth for a while???

As the Robert Frost quote goes, “I have chosen the path less traveled…” I am doing some deep soul searching and realigning, as I am in the process of figuring out what I really want in my extraordinary, authentic life. This is my inner journey to my soul. I am learning to listen to my heart, my intuition. I am learning to trust the mystery and God. I am being reminded of the old patterns in my life that don’t work and need to be let go of.   There are still uncomfortable circumstances that are still occurring to light up those areas in my life that I need to love and heal. I feel as I accept myself (all of me not just the good) and love me for who I am, the more I can connect with people especially women and help them. Do I feel vulnerable?? Um, yep and at times it is very uncomfortable as I want to just melt into the floor out of existence, but very rewarding as I continue the journey.

This journey takes every ounce of courage and strength I can muster!!! I pray every day and every night….. When I had doubts about writing my book, a close friend said, “It is something beyond our capacity to understand. I feel this. Life, destiny chooses us. Move forward. Ask only for courage and strength. You will reap many rewards”.  Thank you for believing in me.

This is a very sacred time for me as I am being aligned with my higher purpose or calling, which is ultimately to be AUTHENTICALLY ME while mentoring women and finding peace, love and happiness! I realize that I am different as I have a strong spirit (okay, intense energy and passion), and it is what makes me special and unique. I am driven and it is none of my business what other people think about me. I realize that those who love me really GET ME, and accept me for who and what I am (all of me!).

As Dominica Applegate wrote, “I feel like I had a “Saul to Paul” experience.  From deep, deep darkness to the brightest of light! I guarantee it wasn’t easy, but the journey is so worth it”.

I had to peel my layers these past few months filtering through the muck, the facades, and the lies to get to the real me. I had to break down a wall that felt like the Great Wall of China surrounding my heart and face my greatest fears! You know, rejection, abandonment and um, the uncertainty.  Fear of the unknown….sound familiar?

I found a couple of close friends whom I deeply trust to talk to who have helped me on this journey. Yes, it scared the s*&@ out of me more than once. At the same time,  one of my close friends reintroduced to me to God.  For that, I am forever grateful!!!  As my spiritual growth has evolved, so has my willingness to expose myself emotionally and become vulnerable. This has been one of the most empowering journeys as I emerge authentically…the real me.  No masks, no lies, no facades, no blame, no shame, and no games!

The Butterfly is an inspiring symbol of change, creativity, freedom and joy. It is a powerful symbol of transforming, and shape shifting the soul.  Butterflies leave the safety of their cocoon and their limitations, to discover a new garden without fear, trusting their wings and flying free!

As my soul evolves and the butterfly emerges, I shed my limiting thoughts and beliefs and, um, those habits that no longer serve me.  I spend a great deal of time meditating, praying, exercising, connecting to nature (very important) and practicing self-care. I spend quality time with close friends who love me and get me.   As Spring continues here in Wisconsin, I am reminded that just like cultivating seedlings for the garden, I must cultivate love, peace and happiness in my garden by going within and tilling my soul!

“I can feel a change is coming, I can feel it in my skin.  I can feel myself outgrowing, This life I’ve been living in And I’m afraid, afraid of change,
Butterfly, please tell me again, I’m gonna be all right……And my heart takes wing.” ~Jana Stanfield, Little Butterfly

 

Please comment below on your own soul journey!  🙂

 

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